Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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