I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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