you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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