i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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