Whod you bang
I'm so fucking centered right now
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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