half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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