I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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