I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
