too bad you live with your parents still
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
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we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
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She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE