he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
