you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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