VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
