At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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