so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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