My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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