I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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