You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4