it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.