My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
