make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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