just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this boner is exhausting
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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