i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
