you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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