I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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