You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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