What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
