and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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