I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.