The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.