Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
