Don't make out with my wife yet
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
