...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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