This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
