she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
