I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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