she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
