Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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