awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
