Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i wish my penis had a tongue
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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