My first STD was from a foam party
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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