Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
