She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Semen is not good for contacts.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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