My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
