remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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