Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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