If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
