I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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