Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
