so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.