I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.