last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
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The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
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I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.