But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.