Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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