Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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