WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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