You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
