the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
