How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
